University of Michigan Portfolio
@nellbossphoto: 25 February 2022
“You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”
– Maya Angelou
I have been searching for my belonging for 40 years now. Never being sure of myself, who I was, how my body looked, how tall I was or where I fit in. Shape shifting to be what I thought I should be or needed to be. Being the best, never failing - because then maybe I would be good enough and belong. Pushing myself so hard physically that I destroyed my shoulder and my college volleyball career by the time I was just 19. Spinning emotionally after that - so lost without my volleyball identity, but that was just a cover. I never really had a sense of myself. It’s only been in the last two years - two of the hardest years - that I’ve started to show up for myself. Reclaiming my power. Reclaiming myself.
Three days ago we had incredible fog with a warm(ish) 50 degree day here in MI. The fog called to me so loud. She told me to come out and play and document. She told me to show up on the other side of my lens for once. That today was the day. So I listened. I drove and found a random field and took my first set of self portraits. It was incredibly uncomfortable, 100 percent freeing and astoundingly powerful.
The deer showed up and reassured me that here I am, doing exactly what I need to be doing.
Keep your eye out for more shots from my foggy self portrait session.
@nellbossphoto: 27 February 2022
"I have met myself and I am going to care for her fiercely."
– @glennondoyle
More from my foggy self portrait series…
My life has been about caring for other people; even as a child. I am incredibly skilled at it; holding space for others, understanding and knowing their emotions before they even know. My sensitivity and empathic abilities have been a double edged sword for me. These pieces of me were honed throughout my childhood and served me well and they also kept me from knowing myself. From showing up for myself. I am learning to turn inward, to show up for myself because if I don’t show up for myself first, how can I ever really show up for anyone else? I am getting to know her, reassuring her that she is safe and loved and good enough just as she is.
@nellbossphoto: 03 March 2022
“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness”
–@brenebrown
Surrender.
My surrender has been slowly building for many years. Many years of doing the hard work through therapy, through reading, through practice, through holding tight to those who have held me up during my hardest, darkest moments. Turning my quiet unsure “no” into a strong unwavering “NO”. Much of my life has been a blur because I hadn't yet been ready to surrender to my story and own it. I’ve stood long and hard on the outside and have hustled like nobody’s business, trying so hard to feel worthy. Yet the worthiness I was chasing was always just out of reach. If I can just do this, or can just do that, or lose 10lbs, or please a little bit more, do a little more, give a little more, take photographs more like her, edit more like her, be stronger, be in better shape, then maybe I’ll feel worthy. A constant blur of thoughts and feelings running my life, my life force.
In the past years I have spent a lot of time inside my story, but I haven’t really been ready to stand outside of it and own it - I didn’t know what that was supposed to look like or how to do it. For me it’s showing up and putting myself, my work and my thoughts out there and trusting fully that I am worthy, in this moment, as I am.